This evening I was enjoying a long, luxurious workout, basking in the soft glow of my Ipad that now conveniently houses multitudes of texts and books for my consumption. This is a much-loved release for me, and I’ve found I can go hours and hours without feeling fatigued as long as I’m reading something stimulating... No you pervs, not like that lol...
One book I’m lustfully re-reading at the moment, emphasizes that the state of “stress” is not a condition thrust upon us-- but an entity that we, ourselves create. The author suggests that some of us (ding ding ding ding ding), feel as though we’re not doing anything, if we’re not stressing or miserable. We actually feel guilty for feeling good or content-- as though because there’s suffering in the world, that we shouldn’t feel good.
I believe I’ve fallen into this category for most of my life-- as a kid I worried about EVERYthing-- and that carried over into my adult life as well until recently. It was translated into more pronounced emotions like feelings of utter inadequacy, being undeserving of anything, not smart enough, not good enough, not pretty enough, you name it-- an honest-to-goodness inferiority complex that plagued me and delayed my even attempting to put in my flight packet for at least a couple years. When I came to Korea, in the aftermath of a failed relationship, I fell into a depression more consuming than anything I’d ever experienced. The Army, by nature, seems to thrive on negativity. There’s always something uncomfortable we’re expected to do-- and the down time associated with every event just results in griping and hyper-focusing on the negative/wasteful/insensitive nature of the world. Its easy to be sucked into that place-- even when you’re intending to “stay positive.”
I’m not going to delve much further into the philosophy (this time), but suffice it to say the author emphatically suggests that you can and should actively denature stress at its root, that deciding to feel good, actually brings us closer to God’s intentions, and God most certainly doesn’t want us to be miserable or prematurely graying. As a technique he suggests confronting the creeping feelings of anxiety or turbulent thoughts with beautiful and meaningful ones. Looking from a perspective that we’re surrounded by love and beauty-- abundant blessings of every kind. I’ve been attempting to do this the last couple weeks, and its made a helluva difference in so many aspects of my life.
As I drove home tonight, I started brainstorming about this particular chapter-- about the events, snapshots--- profound moments that are helping me nip the stress and uncertainty the moment those feelings start surfacing. These are just some that came to me, some are recent, some are forever lasting, but they all emphasize to me, personally, what an absolutely amazing life I lead. I won't tag everyone, but I hope this entry may help some of my dear friends to shift their focus from the hard times we all face, to the true brilliance we are all blessed with. In the darkest times, God is ALWAYS there to carry us, we just have to let him.
~ Picking apples with my Grandad in his back yard, on a gorgeous fall day, and enjoying his perfect memory of the silk-worm-spider-thing that attacked me when we attempted to make apple-butter a few years ago.
~Driving to Estes Park with my beautiful mummy via Allens Park so we could see the Aspen trees in their first beatiful shades of gold. And making her laugh until she cried because the car in front of us was driving Korean. :)
~My gorgeous neice Mackenzie being lifted onto the backs of her teammates after scoring over ten points in her vollyball game.
~Getting silly drunk with my sisters at the Grizzley Rose, knowing full well Robert would take full care of us.
~The strange joy I felt today when I heard "Fourth of July", by Shooter Jennings being played in a Korean store.
~My cat Fiona faithfully remembering that she's a part of me.
~Finding out my dear friend Chuck finally has the family he so genuinely deserves.
~Seeing my sister Resa waiting for me at the airport as I came up the stairs.
~Seeing her special-needs son Nathan, beaming as he talked about his involvment in the Young Marines.
~Shooting sporting clays with my folks, and my mom schooling both my dad and I at a particularly difficult station.
~The fact that a dear friend/fellow pilot friend always signs off his facebook chats with me with "click click".
~Being told I'm beautiful from a dear friend I know really believes I am.
~Having a country bar that plays Cory Morrow and Wade Bowen in Korea.
~Skyping with my dear friend Jeffy for the first time-- and knowing at least one person on the planet understands how my crazy brain works.
~The serene picture in my head of a recently re-found friend sitting with his toddler on his front porch, and actually tangibly feeling his love for his son.
~The Wyoming sunset my mom and I shared on the drive back down from Cheyenne.
~The sound of all the glorious general aviation traffic buzzing in and out of Jeffco Airport.
~Watching my BFF on skype with her kidlets, missing her SO much, but seeing how in sync she is with her babies, finally together again, and knowing I'll be seeing her (fairly) soon.
~How my friend Greggers somehow always knows what to say to make me stop crying (lol poor man!).
~Korean kids: a---freeeeking---dorable!!!!!
~My sweet coworker selflessly asking if I'd like to take a particularly lengthy training flight from him to knock the rust off after I came home from leave.
~Flying, anything, anywhere, period.
~My friend Chad so dutifully helping every veteran student he can find at UW-- starting, and continuing a legacy of compassion for those who made so many sacrifices-- always downplaying his own.
~The sweet lady at Kohls, who inquired about my POW bracelet from Vietnam, and told me the story of how the soldier she wore one for came home. :D
~My crewchiefs, all of them, for consistetly making me laugh, keeping me honest, and being my eyes and ears in the back of that majestic bird.
~All the pilots and aviation enthusiasts who keep me stocked with lovely stories/pictures/articles about our shared passion.
Finally,
~Seeing Kenzie having grown over a foot, almost a different person than the last time I saw her, but seeing the love in her eyes as she threw her arms around me. Knowing an infinite love, from such an amazing kid-- just. WOW.
Alright, sappy yes... true... Absolutely. I am blessed, WE are blessed friends. Never forget it!!!!!
