27 Aug 08 Wednesday
Things I've taken took for granted: A new hell-er-SERE grad thinking out loud...
Alright, back to my favorite waste of-er-I mean pasttime... blogging! Now many of you know that I recently finished SERE school, probably the first accomplishment of my short strange life that I'm truly proud of. In this school, of which I literally can't talk about anything I had LOTS of time to think (to say the least) hehe.. and man so many things came bubbling up to the surface. It sucked because I had neither pen nor paper and couldnt even stab myself and write these thoughts down in my blood because it was fuxing dark! hehehe.. Well so the last 48 hours I've spent just trying to reacclimate to normal life, and some of those deep and profound revelations came zooming back. Yes that's right, I said zooming... bite me!
If your'e really interested you can google sere and find out what its about, but lets just say that it truly opened my eyes to what human beings are capable of-- the two extremes: great evil and just the brilliance of unbreakable human spirit. The range of emotions I experienced was beyond anything I could possibly imagine.
And that, upon further investigation I must go ahead and accept that I was a fool for not reflecting on my charmed life thus far with total humility. Man I bitched and whined about bct and wocs.. When I shoudl have been focusing on excelling and giving something back to those who have come before me. I'm ashamed of my self-pity, and this is my public apology.
That being said, I want to reflect a little on the things that I took for granted at home. First off of course being the wonderful family that I left behind there. My mother, my best friend-- she's the most amazing woman I've ever met. I wish I had half of her grace and presence. She has given me so much of herself other than just life and God i miss our talks. She's truly the best friend a gal could have, and I'm so glad that my adult life has brought us so close together. If she ever reads this I know she'll cry just like I do when I think about how much I miss her. Since I left I feel like she gives me far too much credit, but it means so much when she says she's proud of me. Lord I hope I can someday come close to the way she paints me. I love that woman so much it hurts.
Next onto my dad. We haven't been very close for years, but when I was a kid my dad was the driving force in my life. We shot archery in Broomfield every monday night probably for 15 years until they closed down. You talk about a bond. He makes me so mad sometimes, the callous way he talks over my mom, or dismisses something she says. I know he doesnt mean to do it, but it does irk me. All that being said, I do love my dad. He's disconnected but he's also got a heart bigger than the Wyoming sky, which as yall know is damn big. And I did get my warpt sense of humor from him, which is definately helping me out in the Army hehe.
Grandad, now I could go on for days about him. I wills ay that I am immeasurably depressed whenever i think about how many hours I'm missing wiith him. Every moment with my Grandad is just brilliantly special to me-- and its been far too long since I've held his leathery hand, made some obscenely sweet dish, or talked bonsais or pacific theatre history with him. Lord I miss that man with every grain of my soul, and I have to say, I am devastated inside that this life has taken me so far away from him.
My niece Mackenzie. Holy cow. I actually cry whenever I think about how big she's getting, or that I don't know what kinds of things she likes anymore. how I'm not sure if I should keep buying her "my little ponies" becaseu for all I know she's grown out of them by now-- lord that little girl just stole my heart from the day I let her in. Now i cant help but feel like I'm missing out on so many of her defining moments. I know she loves me unconditionally-- but I hope she still knows me when I come home--I hope I still know her-- and I hope she knows that her aunt loves her, and that I left to be a part of something that helps keep her safe at night so she doesnt have to know that bad people exist. She cried so hard when I left-- man it tears me up. Whoa deep breath.
Jeezus, just thinking about this makes me realize how badly I need to write all these people and let them know how much they mean to me. Ok enough on specific people, this is gettin too emotional. I miss everyone and everything about home (except hippies), period.
I never realized how much the west was a part of me. Whenever I see anything w/ a cowboy on it (which believe it or not there's not much out here) I'm reminded of my previous life. I remember working horses out at Karen's or Mike's ranch, feeling so at one with those animals-- so at peace with the land, with the world. That was such a part of me-- life was so simple, it all depended on the animal beneath me and the amount of slack I put in the reigns. Sometimes I'll close my eyes and I can feel the gentle rhythm of hooves padding the soft ground of a round pen, the warm moist horseflesh in between my thighs, each muscle twitching in subtle recognition of my leg cues. Those familiar smells of manure, alfalfa, and the sweet tinge of grain. I remember being happy when my hands grew calloused enough to not break everytime a colt buggered on me and ripped the lead out of my hand. I remember the beautiful sounds-- hooves, wind blowign snow and dust through sage bushes, snorts, barn doors.. I used to gaze into my horses eyes for hours looking at those beautiful brown peaks. I swore I could see an entire mountain range in them, and he'd just look back at me with that quizicle horse-look. I'd blow into his nose and he'd flare his nostrils to take in his mom's smell, sometimes snorting horsey-snot all over me. We were so bonded it was like I knew what he'd do next, i knew what every look, every twitch meant. One day I came out and he was just beside himself, running from one end of the paddock to the other whinnying and snorting, stomping and bucking. I finally followed him and he took me to the far end where an antelope looked on curiously. Brodie was just so excited to show me this strange looking horned horse, he couldn't contain himself. Lord its like a different life. Hard to really put into words unless you'ev had that kind of a bond with an animal of that size. There is nothing like it. I miss him.
I guess this'll have to be chapter one of the things I took for granted, I need sleep. One last thought though-- for my buddies back home, or wherever for that matter. Those people that you love, please be aware of them, and everything they do for you-- and say something to them that lets them know how special they are to you. We are so so blessed.
Things I've taken took for granted: A new hell-er-SERE grad thinking out loud...
Alright, back to my favorite waste of-er-I mean pasttime... blogging! Now many of you know that I recently finished SERE school, probably the first accomplishment of my short strange life that I'm truly proud of. In this school, of which I literally can't talk about anything I had LOTS of time to think (to say the least) hehe.. and man so many things came bubbling up to the surface. It sucked because I had neither pen nor paper and couldnt even stab myself and write these thoughts down in my blood because it was fuxing dark! hehehe.. Well so the last 48 hours I've spent just trying to reacclimate to normal life, and some of those deep and profound revelations came zooming back. Yes that's right, I said zooming... bite me!
If your'e really interested you can google sere and find out what its about, but lets just say that it truly opened my eyes to what human beings are capable of-- the two extremes: great evil and just the brilliance of unbreakable human spirit. The range of emotions I experienced was beyond anything I could possibly imagine.
And that, upon further investigation I must go ahead and accept that I was a fool for not reflecting on my charmed life thus far with total humility. Man I bitched and whined about bct and wocs.. When I shoudl have been focusing on excelling and giving something back to those who have come before me. I'm ashamed of my self-pity, and this is my public apology.
That being said, I want to reflect a little on the things that I took for granted at home. First off of course being the wonderful family that I left behind there. My mother, my best friend-- she's the most amazing woman I've ever met. I wish I had half of her grace and presence. She has given me so much of herself other than just life and God i miss our talks. She's truly the best friend a gal could have, and I'm so glad that my adult life has brought us so close together. If she ever reads this I know she'll cry just like I do when I think about how much I miss her. Since I left I feel like she gives me far too much credit, but it means so much when she says she's proud of me. Lord I hope I can someday come close to the way she paints me. I love that woman so much it hurts.
Next onto my dad. We haven't been very close for years, but when I was a kid my dad was the driving force in my life. We shot archery in Broomfield every monday night probably for 15 years until they closed down. You talk about a bond. He makes me so mad sometimes, the callous way he talks over my mom, or dismisses something she says. I know he doesnt mean to do it, but it does irk me. All that being said, I do love my dad. He's disconnected but he's also got a heart bigger than the Wyoming sky, which as yall know is damn big. And I did get my warpt sense of humor from him, which is definately helping me out in the Army hehe.
Grandad, now I could go on for days about him. I wills ay that I am immeasurably depressed whenever i think about how many hours I'm missing wiith him. Every moment with my Grandad is just brilliantly special to me-- and its been far too long since I've held his leathery hand, made some obscenely sweet dish, or talked bonsais or pacific theatre history with him. Lord I miss that man with every grain of my soul, and I have to say, I am devastated inside that this life has taken me so far away from him.
My niece Mackenzie. Holy cow. I actually cry whenever I think about how big she's getting, or that I don't know what kinds of things she likes anymore. how I'm not sure if I should keep buying her "my little ponies" becaseu for all I know she's grown out of them by now-- lord that little girl just stole my heart from the day I let her in. Now i cant help but feel like I'm missing out on so many of her defining moments. I know she loves me unconditionally-- but I hope she still knows me when I come home--I hope I still know her-- and I hope she knows that her aunt loves her, and that I left to be a part of something that helps keep her safe at night so she doesnt have to know that bad people exist. She cried so hard when I left-- man it tears me up. Whoa deep breath.
Jeezus, just thinking about this makes me realize how badly I need to write all these people and let them know how much they mean to me. Ok enough on specific people, this is gettin too emotional. I miss everyone and everything about home (except hippies), period.
I never realized how much the west was a part of me. Whenever I see anything w/ a cowboy on it (which believe it or not there's not much out here) I'm reminded of my previous life. I remember working horses out at Karen's or Mike's ranch, feeling so at one with those animals-- so at peace with the land, with the world. That was such a part of me-- life was so simple, it all depended on the animal beneath me and the amount of slack I put in the reigns. Sometimes I'll close my eyes and I can feel the gentle rhythm of hooves padding the soft ground of a round pen, the warm moist horseflesh in between my thighs, each muscle twitching in subtle recognition of my leg cues. Those familiar smells of manure, alfalfa, and the sweet tinge of grain. I remember being happy when my hands grew calloused enough to not break everytime a colt buggered on me and ripped the lead out of my hand. I remember the beautiful sounds-- hooves, wind blowign snow and dust through sage bushes, snorts, barn doors.. I used to gaze into my horses eyes for hours looking at those beautiful brown peaks. I swore I could see an entire mountain range in them, and he'd just look back at me with that quizicle horse-look. I'd blow into his nose and he'd flare his nostrils to take in his mom's smell, sometimes snorting horsey-snot all over me. We were so bonded it was like I knew what he'd do next, i knew what every look, every twitch meant. One day I came out and he was just beside himself, running from one end of the paddock to the other whinnying and snorting, stomping and bucking. I finally followed him and he took me to the far end where an antelope looked on curiously. Brodie was just so excited to show me this strange looking horned horse, he couldn't contain himself. Lord its like a different life. Hard to really put into words unless you'ev had that kind of a bond with an animal of that size. There is nothing like it. I miss him.
I guess this'll have to be chapter one of the things I took for granted, I need sleep. One last thought though-- for my buddies back home, or wherever for that matter. Those people that you love, please be aware of them, and everything they do for you-- and say something to them that lets them know how special they are to you. We are so so blessed.
